Taking a Spiritual Journey
The pain was almost unbearable, there was no way to get comfortable laying in that hospital bed. I had to be careful not to pull out the IV line, and every four hours, somebody was poking me with a needle or checking my breathing. It was a noisy place, and even in the middle of the night, there were lights and conversations going on.
The pain in my back was excruciating, so I decided to sit on the edge of the bed, and grab the over-bed table to lay my head on. Stupid me, I had refused the morphine drip, so the nurse gave me Percocet instead. Percocet was ineffective and constipating, it made me feel nauseas, so I asked for Tylenol. Here I was in agony and unable to sleep or lie down. I was overheating and on the edge of panic. What could I do?
My sister had told me about deep breathing to calm down. So I took deep breaths through my nose, counted to 10, then exhaled through my mouth. After 10 or 15 breaths, the feeling of panic diminished. I laid my head on the over-bed table and lifted my arms and opened my hands and began to pray, I asked God to touch me. My body was still wracked with pain but something supernatural was happening. I truly believe God in his mercy and grace sent his presence into that room. The feeling of being held and loved were undeniable. Despite the pain, my spirit was filled with Joy. This Joy could not have come naturally at a time like this. I began to weep. The tears poured over my cheeks in surrender to this love. A Love that I could not begin to earn or deserve. Here in this hospital room, the Creator of the Universe took time out of his busy schedule to commune with me.
The alarm on my bed went off about this time. It appeared to the nursing staff that I had left the bed. Faye the nurse came in. She looked at me and saw the tears and asked if I was OK. She asked me if I was going to hurt myself. I told her I hurt enough already, and I didn't want to hurt myself and cause more pain. I explained the tears were from the gratitude and joy that filled my heart. Faye did not understand and shook her head and left me where I was. She turned off the bed alarm, so that I would not set it off anymore.
The next day a hospital case worker came in and asked me a lot of questions. She wanted to know if I had self destructive feelings or wanted to hurt myself. She continued asking about any abusive relationships and asked some questions about suicide. Mental illness was next, did it run in my family or had I ever been diagnosed with a mental illness.
The answer to all of her questions was no, but then added that I was crazy in a good way, and explained to her about the thankfulness and joy I experienced. She laughed and said some kinds of crazy are good.
Sometimes our circumstances are dire and overwhelming. We find ourselves in situations that we cannot control, and we don't know what the final outcome will be. Change is hard and difficult to accept, but change is inevitable. When I faced the darkness before me, there was not enough strength in myself. That night in the hospital, I reached out and was touched by eternity.
This experience was not like the miracle when Jesus said to the paralyzed man, "Arise, take up your bed, and go to your house." Immediately he rose up before them, took up what he had been lying on, and departed to his own house, glorifying God.
I did not physically get up out of my hospital bed and leap about. The miracle happened in my spirit. My heart was leaping about and was full of joy. That experience in the hospital was the start of my new journey. This is a new journey to wholeness, wellness, discovery, and a new start.